I haven’t been on here in a while.. I got a large size phone bill and stuff, so my good phone with Internet doesnt work… Anyway got an iPad3 via the diploma of business that I’m doing at evocca to pass the time, while looking for work. Will eventually be posting pics of the tattoos plan to get soon. Will be back later.
On another note, since I’ve nearly been on hormones for two months I figure it’s still not to late to do some YouTube vids which I will do when i get around to it

i wonder what it would be like to have a father, would i have had to take less blame that what i did?
were you a good person, or just a piece of shit hiding in the shell of a coward.

would you have watched like the others did when the guys hit them, or would you have interviened?
would she have been hit and abused so many times? would the scene of her being strangled not be playing in the background as white noise? would i have been blamed for getting in the way of domestics or would you have seen that as something is wrong when a child tries to stop violence between adults while other adults watch.

would you maybe have taught me how to fight to defend myself, instead of being taught to take the beatings? would someone have said i shouldnt get introuble for hitting someone back when they hit me repeatedly? yet its all fine and dandy when they can hit me.

maybe the truth was they were more fragile than me. maybe i would have had a role model, then again you could have been like the rest and just cause more shit.

i used to wonder why i wasnt good enough, that you didnt want anything to do with me, but maybe it was you who wasnt good enough for me. i dont know but its all good

the concept of drifting through life with minimal effeort, burden or care, is where your floating in detached nothingness continously observing everything around you, but never participating because your not nor ever have been part of it.

maybe one day when the nothingness hurts so, you wish to feel pain, love anything. you might hurt yourself in hopes of detaching the detachment remaking kinect bonds to the sporatic environment of the world.

its night and you might finally wake, to late to look back and regret but not too early to cherish what you had before learning a new way, for me its time for a new way and to escape this nocturnal dream i have been gazing through.

So basically i kinda just had an emotional episode after reading something someone wrote, which is nearly identical with something i wrote like 3 years ago, just changing names.
i guess its kind of my fault for looking in those sorts of community pages…

but i mean the only real relationship i ever had was a long distance D/s - M/s relationship the hyfen thingy is the movement from the left to the right. i guess i can be kinky and am into some interesting things. if you know anything about psychology you would know mental/emotional attatchment are stronger bonds than chains.

i was completly isolated, was cutting and in general in a very bad place, so i got close to this person insanely quick im usually a good judge of character, and considering the amount and variety of bitches who could have taken advantage of that, (when i say bitches in this case i am refering to females who use the guise of D/s to be abusive and no im not saying only females do, but in that context are majoirty) so i was lucky and ended up being cared for and loved more than anyone ever did before that, part of why it was so intense and i would have literally done anything she wanted just to see a smile.

so this emotional episode, came from the realisation that subconsciously i havent fully moved on from that and also the fact that i missed out on one thing i desparately needed :touch.

I think that i have been more andro than i realised, it wasnt till the friday in beeinleigh, when i had to grow my facial hair so i could get it waxed to start electrolysis, and some macho type wanker said “is that a girly boy or a boyish girl” and his friends all had a good laugh. it doesnt bother me i just thought well at least the smartarse/derogatory comments were in relation to gender and not sexual orientation.
That has been something that has frustrated me when guys who think their tough yell faggot or whatever from their car as they drive past, and i wouldnt care except for two things what i do in privacy with someone else is none of their concern (which is why i dont understand why people hate gays so much) and the fact that im asexual so no sexual interest in others, maybe that will change i dont know.

Anyway i know people have a problem with anything that challenges their reality, so thats fine. A problem i have with myself is where i fit on the “masculine - feminine” scale appearance wise, i feel like i would be more on the feminine end. I am not sure what my problem is, there is nothing wrong with feminine things, im sure part of the issue is the whole trying to block how i feel and what i like thing, its still lingering i want to fell pain or sadness or something strong enough to shatter it, its hard to walk through concrete walls but it must be done. Im not however one of these people who tries to be someone they are not just to please others, i am who i am and there are things i need to get past, but ive got past everthing else without help so i should be happy, for the outcome is already there its just travelling the path to get there, and im still near the beginning

I have noticed something which is quite interesting, now im open minded and dont hate people.
So maybe my opinion is a bit weird, but i dont get why so many people hate on feminists. i mean i have read many things from them and they can be very intelligent people, however somethings they argue about (ie transsexualism) they put theory above the lives of people living in those circumstances and then discredit those people. as a mtf transsexual i can see why they do that, some other tgs i have talked with are idiots and fufill this stereotype of them immitating women in passive roles. i think that is kinda sad, but they could just have a passive personality i dont know.
They do have quite a few points that i understand where others seem to not be able to.
Like with privelge, males do have privelge, and i guess that would seem kind of fucked up to not want that and to be different. ok biologically, gentically they will always have been and will be male (in case of mtfs and female in case of ftms), however that doesnt mean that their whole life there is no possible way they felt like they were female/male but the anatomy was wrong.

I think people should be allowed to be who they are without having to face hate or abuse, but its not ok to erase what was, things were a certain way for a while so accept that acknowledge the changes, realise it is what it is and move on. for me personally im trans, not male not female trans, i might appear “passable” but im not trying to be something im not, im working to be comfotable with who i am and express myself in a way thats positive instead of destructive.
I have come to the realisation that i might be more feminine than i originally thought but thats ok, i dont believe in stereotypes, i dont hate on people because of any biggoted bullshit, im just wanting to be the best person i can be, and survive and transition is my obstacle that i have to endure move forward.

lauraunbound:

Love letters to your heart

     Bittersweet kisses

Erotica=Porn. I was unaware I could have been a pornstar by now. Here I am, wasting my time shooting erotica for fun, I should have been making the big bucks! Someone better start cutting me some checks!

Sometimes I wonder how it is I became friends with people who have such foul, batshit crazy views on things. Especially other artists.

Bask in my pornography Tumblr…..its free.

so was at a job network today, i dont think i have ever felt as depressed as i did from just being there, i mean i have been in worse places, it made me want to cut, i dont know how i used to deal with it, i wanted to cry, its totally fucked, i guess one day i will be something because i cant stand hoplessness and thats how i feel there, i guess im actually in a good enough place that i can define it as something i despise

so today someone said that people will perceiece me as a guy because of my hands and adams apple, thats a fair enough statement i guess.

with the appearance thing i totally have overthinked everything, but im not exactly insecure about myself. there is things that i have to change so i feel more at ease, but if once im happy with how i portray myself, someone comes up and goes oh look at your neck your a guy, i would just laugh and say fuck off unless i decided to use more inteligent words